I just love this weather!There is something very magical about it.I sit beside my tiny window and spend my whole day ,enjoying this weather and doing my favourite activity-daydreaming.The aroma of smoky,hot coffee mixed with earthy smell of nature, purifies my soul.
Sometimes the sun is peeping through the clumsy grey clouds,probably to assure me of its existence.This is a cold winter morning.I had the pleasure to witness the foggy morning and the trembling dew drops on the fresh petals.The morning was mindbogglingly beautiful.I could not ignore the serenity it was offering and go back to bed!When I woke up this morning and opened my window, I was stunned,mesmerised and taken aback by profound beauty of the morning.I have never witnessed snow-fall and I can not expect this to happen in kolkata(unless ice-age returns on earth!).But the view through my window left me completely bewildered!.Every single thing was fog-covered and opaque.A glimpse of this picturesque left me wondering whether I was dreaming !It was no less than the glory of watching snow-fall for the first time!It was like someone had spread a thin,transparent cloth over everything.The whole atmosphere was illusory and a perfect backdrop for dreaming of a fantasy world!Not a single living creature could be seen anywhere.I was stupefied by the silence,by the calmness of the morning.It was as silent as death but still I loved it!Suddenly the sound of a running train penetrated the profound silence.The echo lingered for a few seconds!
The sudden blows of chilly north wind was sharpening the coldness of the morning.I was shivering in cold! But I can ignore the coziness of a nice warm bed,to feel the shiver down my body!The icy cold breeze was kissing my open skin and stroking my hair with its gentle touch.I was out of this world and the dreadful sound of my alarm clock helped me to bring my conscious self to reality! I couldn't leave the serenity and purity of this calm,silent morning for the sake of going to college.
I spend my whole day sitting beside my little window,sometimes dreaming,sometimes gazing at passer-by,and sometimes listening to the symphony of the falling leaves!
The sun went on reminding me of its presence,by throwing some mild sunbeams on me.I could not feel the warmth,but the smell of sunshine,on my skin was more pleasant!
An empty coffee-mug,some scattered books,sweet odour of a baked cake,hues of golden sunbeam,Enrique's 'addicted' lingering in my ears,some moments of weaving dreams.....And it was a perfect day for me!
Time glides by so swiftly.It seems as if I was in first year just a few days back while in reality a few years have passed since then.I have always felt I am living an interesting life,different and unique in its own way.It is only my realisation, I do not know whether in reality it is true or not! But if you persist on believing something strongly, it becomes the absolute truth,at least to some extent.And this is what has happened in my case.
Now while I am going to complete my college life in a few months,I wonder how my days have passed so imperceptibly and quietly without making me realise anything! Needless to mention how much I will miss my friends.I have mentioned earlier,that I have felt always, I have an unique life....quite different from others.During these years I have had the unforgettable experience of studying in two different colleges having extremely different environments.In fact they are as different as 'water' and 'fire' put against each other!
System,atmosphere,culture,students,professors,all vary enormously!So you can imagine how I had felt in the first day at that college.I had decided to study honours course so I had to change my college,for it did not offer that facility.I felt like a fish out of water...gasping and panicking due to that sudden change in my every day's life ,I used to live.But still it is the speciality of human nature to evolve himself according to the changed environment for the sake of survival.Survival is the trickiest thing,compelling you to do whatever you need,to live gracefully in this big,bad world! Hats off to Mr.Darwin for this discovery!:) I gradually evolved myself according to the atmosphere and a new journey began.
I had spend 2 years of my entire college life in the previous college and another 2 and half years in this college where I am presently studying. In the first day I became aware of all the apparent differences but still it required few more months to rediscover my closeness with my previous college,to rediscover my heart belongs to it.And that disovery was rather melancholic for me as I realised later that it is impossible for me to go back and live my life the same way,I used to.Though I am adaptable by nature still I could not restrain myself from comparing my present situation with the earlier one.And this comparison continued to hurt me again and again,like an open wound which bleeds again and again!....As if I had lost something which was so dear to me.As if the purpose behind my existence is lost somewhere! As if the reason behind my laughter is gone.As if the cause of my rejoice is snatched and as if my wings have been clipped off!I was diffident and that diffidence of my nature made me feel like an unwanted,unnoticed person, subject to ridicule and ignorance!
Back in those days I used to travel by train,local trains.I used to get down at sealdah station and then walk all the way to my college.Now I travel by Metro rail.There are so many differences between these two types of journeys!I love to travel by local trains.I preferred to stand behind the open doors than sitting.When the train reached its full motion ,I used to observe those lush green trees ,fields covered with yellowish hue of mustard flowers,those tiny huts just beside rail lines,and little children glaring at the running train, in awe,and with that twinkle in their eyes!I was always immersed in the beauty of nature until the frightful screaming of some harsh voice making offers of snacks and other food-items ,reached my ears!At that time those hawkers used to appear to me as the most irritating persons on the earth! The little tremblings when the train runs,the blows of fresh ,cool ,gentle breeze which carried with it overwhelmingly sweet fragrance of some unknown flowers and the soothing greenaries around made me forget all my worries! As if this is the heaven on earth! There are so many beautiful places on this earth but still, those collages of nature appeared to me as pieces of paradise at that moment!Though I was merely a part of the crowd but still I used to feel as if I was standing there alone.That immersion of my mind made me feel as if I am a part of the nature,an indispensable part!Slowly and calmly I used to lose all my senses and had the feeling that my existence is gradually melting and vanishing into oblivion!!!!
I miss each and every thing,every moment.The metros may have the so called glamour and glitz but it lacks the vitality and vivacity of the nature which I used to enjoy while traveling by local trains.Every time I listen the sound of running trains I become nostalgic! I miss that soothing effect of the cool breeze,the crowds,those tiny huts and children playing around it and even the screaming of those hawkers!The metros make me feel like I am traveling in a box through a dark narrow tunnel,with some gloomy faced people sitting beside me!
But above all I miss my friends very much.People often dont realise the value of those things they possess,until these are lost! That is the very truth in my case.I had no idea that I love them so much if I had not taken transfer in that college.I do not know whether they miss me as much as I miss them, but still , not a single day has passed ,during which I have not remembered those moments we spend together.My previous college may not be as big as this one but it is special.I am emotionally attached to it!It has offered me the taste of studying in a co-ed college(i used to study in a girl's school),the taste of first love,the taste of genuine and true friendship!
Those students studying there may not be so much modern and stylish but they are truly incomparable!The bonding between us was very strong and intense.People really cared for each other.They genuinely loved each other.I can recall countless moments we spent together.I miss that rapport we used to share!Everything was so heavenly...so special.They are all my angels!I will miss all of them!!
These memories are my souvenirs.
While writing this I had not realised I am crying until I felt everything around me was so opaque that I could hardly see anything !A warm tear drop rolled down my cheek swiftly!.....
I am such a person who gets influenced by anything and everything that is happening around.I am so eager to learn that I do not spoil any opportunity that comes in my way.You may say I am too much a sensitive person and everything that happens leaves a deep impact on my mind.Though I am very romantic person by heart I am not that much expressive to reveal it properly.So most of the time I prefer to conceal those thoughts and feelings .They all remain hidden in the chambers of my heart.Thus all my feelings are safely locked in my heart and the key belongs to no one but me, and this very thought makes me realise that I am the ruler of my own world,where no one can enter without my permission!And since I am very restrictive about giving permission, a few persons get to know the treasures hidden in my heart.Yeah,I treat them like treasures and I am too reluctant to share them with anyone,may be because I am afraid of ridicule and ignorance in other people's eyes.
It may seem from outside that I am a strong person but I know the real 'me' who is as timid as a little rabbit ans as fragile as glass!I am compelled to wear that mask of strernness and harshness because I have experienced earlier, that when people get a vibe from you that you are delicate and fragile they dont hesitate to take advantage of your nature,they use you and leave you to struggle through suffering ,despair and hopelessness. I have no idea how much I have succeeded in leaving impression of my sternness on people's mind but I know I have not failed either,for I am sufferring less than I used to ,earlier.
When I see people hanging out with their girlfriends and boyfriends here and there I wonder whether I am so worthless that no one makes me his gf! I think I am solely responsible for this.
I always have had a number of admirers and some of them had even proposed me time to time but I had rejected them.If I had allowed any one of them,I would have been sitting in restaurants with them wandering around holding hands.But then I think am I so desperate to flaunt a bf that I will act as if I feel true love for him while in reality I have no such feeling for them! I could not do that....I am not such heartless creature!If you ask me I will say I have loved only one person genuinely in my entire life.I still love him and will continue loving him secretly and silently until my last breathe.
Dont know why I had started feeling such sensations for him.I was myself surprised since I discovered my hidden feelings for him.In fact I used to feel sort of annoyance and ignorance
for him.He was one of the handsome guys in our college and needless to mention that most of the time I found him surrounded by pretty and not so pretty girls who were like birds flying around grains of foods!And some of them who did not get the attention they were coveting for ,started spreading rumours about his character ,probably just to hide their frustration and jealousy.But I had nothing to do with these.When you are member of a certain community you get to know some sort of rumours often,regardless of how much you try to remain aloof.And being a classmate
such rumours sometimes hit my ears and left me wondering why on earth these people waste their time in making such useless stories! they were so innovative that if they had started writing stories ,I am sure they could have been successful writers!
But I had always felt he was staring at me...sometimes directly ,sometimes indirectly!
But I was too shy and probably too boastful to look at someone whom I thought worthless! I was quite aware of male gaze since I felt I have something to hide from men.And I had that uncanny ability just like other women to read what they mean to say through their gaze.Some eyes expressed admiration,while some of them expressed friendliness ,and some of them were flirtatious!I had no such problem with them,in fact I used to enjoy such attention while feeling bad for those who were devoid of it! I may sound harsh and boastful but I am speaking the truth .What I hate most is the hints of vulgarity in some of those eyes...and inspite of all the rumours all I came to know about him,he never gazed me with that sort of vibe which I hate most!
Infact I found respect for me,in his eyes.
I dont know what he thinks about myself for I have never exchanged any word with him.He was quite good looking and everyone will enjoy a handsome boy gazing at her! So did I,till I discovered I am deeply in love with him.I took transfer to another college when I attended the annual fest of my ex-college he was also present there!He was sitting in the row just infront of ours!I was not aware of it until I felt someone looking at me.I turned around and saw him.But he turned his head swiftly as if he will get caught! as time glided by I felt he was stealing glances at me.I felt this very amusing,and when the programme was goin to end I looked at him directly.He was still staring at me with the look that had mixed expression of admiration,surprise,joy and some sort of sorrow! But I think the element 'surprise' had outshined all other elements in his gaze.
May be these are all my imaginations but still I felt this at that time.I stared at him and he stared at me....a few seconds! There was something in his eyes I can not forget!,neither can I express properly as I am poor in expressing something aptly.But one thing I can say I was stuck by his glance,there was something pulling me towards him....like a magnet attracts an iron piece.I wonder what would have happened if he did not turn his head to find the cell which was ringing! Suddenly I came out of a trance ,something very unusual feelings,something having a delicate purity in it.I was touched! his glances penetrated my very soul and ejected drops of heavenly bliss called 'love' in my soul.I fell in love with him.I could not spend a moment without thinking of him.We never spoke but may be our souls did the very conversation on behalf of our mouths.I had lost my conscious self somewhere in a world of fantasy and dream.Only my physical existence was there while my mind was wandering through the alleys of my illusory world.I was burning with passion.I was doing everything I am supposed to do for the sake of surviving in this world but my true self was lost somewhere! I was looking at everything but I was not seeing them! as if they were some invisible and negligible objects not worthy of my glance.I had never felt this way before.I was overwhelmed ,immersed in his thoughts.I did not know what he was feeling for me but my feelings for him were uncontrollable!
A few days passed through this Topsy-turvy mental state .After some days I finally realised I have to live in reality not in dreams!So I pushed myself to come back to reality until I found that it is impossible.I started thinking what is the future of this mere,probably one-sided feelings!I can not name it a 'relationship' for I guess it requires at least a little bit of conversation which never took place between us.If you think silence between two persons can create a relationship then you may call this a ;relation',an unusual relation created through silent communication,a silent connection ,imperceptible yet so touching! That kind of touch is more superior than actual touch for in the later case you can feel it only through your skin but in my case I felt that through my heart ,through my entire soul.
I was thinking what will happen to us.....whether I can see him again....whether I can express my feelings...whether he will accept me....if he rejects or ridicules me....and all that!For a moment I regained my lost reality,but it was only for a moment and then I was again lost in my thoughts!
Days passed,months passed,years passed without any contact or communication.In that moment's ecstacy I had revealed all my feelings to some of my close friends.Now they began to feel proud for they had stated earlier that it is just an infatuation!.I can't blame them for there was no effort from my side to go further with this,there was no improvement of this situation.Whatever may be other people's opinion I knew it was not infatuation .If it was so then I would not have been feeling foe him the same intense love even after more than two years.
It may sound preposterous to think what kind of love story is it?In fact is it any love story?...But I think it is...at least for me.I love him and thats all I care.I dont give a damn to what people think or say....I dont think I should have the possession of the person whom I love! Love has no barrier , no condition.I dont love him with the condition that he has to be mine,only mine. In fact I have not seen him from years ,but he is still so bright in my memory as if I have seen him right now!.He is far far away from me but still I can feel him sitting just beside me.He resides in my heart,he is connected with my soul!Whenever I think of him my mind fills with a heavenly pleasure....so pure and so rupturous!!!!!!!
Feeling quite happy and content....realised one thing(knew it earlier but realised the truthfulness and intensity today)!
What is present today will be past tomorrow...and we are living in the present,neither past nor future.But sometimes I forget this basic thing!I get lost in past or sometimes I think about probabilities and possibilities which may or may not happen.....I get so much involved with past or probable future I just forget my present.'Present' is something which can not be ignored,nor should we!what you dream today ,will show you the way tomorrow.Our present is a hint about what may happen tomorrow, with us.It is our work,our deeds,our thoughts and every possible things we do in present,will show us the actual result tomorrow,which may be good or bad! So be prepared for your deeds,expect well-being and happiness if you have done something good...but then you should not expect so much that it exceeds your actual work!Dreaming is good but your dreams should be within your reach...otherwise you have to live with a broken heart!
Everyone blames me.I am also blaming myself.Had I not been so impatient this incident would not have occurred! I am sooo selfish! Why couldnt I tolerate the pain?Am I so weak?I am solely responsible for this...This is completely my fault.But the pain was intolerable.So I could not control myself.And I am regretting now.This is a great lesson for me.In future certainly I will not tell anyone anything!I have to learn how to supress all pains in my heart,regardless of how much intolerable it may be.From the next time I willnot ever, repeat this wrong which I have done today...God forgive me!I couldnot control myself.You know I had no intention to cause harm to anybody!But for this I am suffering so much!Give me more and more pain...I will never complain,but dont make others suffer due to some fault of my own,please lord! please help me........
feeling of being guilty is too terrible!.I am tired of being sorry!dont know what to do...except crying.That's what I am doing now...I am gradually losing my existence in darkness of despair,guilt ,sorrow and hopelessness....feeing the urge to destroy myself!!!!!!!!
hurray!! dont have college today...for today is a holiday! have some plans of studying(finally!).I am feeling better today,there was some misunderstanding with one of my close friends,and yesterday I managed to clear it out!Actually I cant hold grudge against anybody for a longgg time...I feel the urge to clear it out as soon as my anger is reduced and until I clear out every possible misunderstandings ,I just cant sleep!
I am wondering..all of us are so opportunist!(including me)!
If anything happens which is favourable to us we instantly support it,without concerning what will be the effect on others.Yesterday when I went to college most of my frnds didnt come...I was getting bored like hell!:( And to add insult to injury none of the professors was coming to take classes! At last when one of them came finally we were relieved, Hurrah !! we are gonna get our attendance ...but alas! after listening to that boring,irritating lecture patiently he said calmly"I will mark all of you present"and he went out ...wtf!! we were sitting there all day long just to get the attendance! now he says this!!! huhh!....we were so angry then!
Now today when I am sick I wish may this incident happens today also! but if I were in college this time I would not have thought this !
thats why I am saying we are so opportunist!
Still sitting in front of my pc.......busy doin nothing,I am such a loser! period of depression is finally over...without any reason I feel despair and hopelessness and after sometimes I feel it"s gone! I think I am too much an moody person!
Got some school friends from Orkut"s community,I am soooo happy:)
Already added them...not sure whether they will recognise me ! for I was never part of their groups...in fact I wasn't part of any group in school...I was a loner...but I was friendly...I would help anyone who wanted it!But I remember all of them...I guess I have a strong memory!:)
Some good old memories are knocking on the doors of my mind.Feeling nostalgic!:(
I love my school...I really miss those beautiful days.
Feeling low and depressed !!!!! down with severe head-ache.Nothing to do except thinking preposterous things.Probably my head wants rest too! but then what will I do?Feeling of being unwanted is most terrible !
