You are safe in my heart........

I am such a person who gets influenced by anything and everything that is happening around.I am so eager to learn that I do not spoil any opportunity that comes in my way.You may say I am too much a sensitive person and everything that happens leaves a deep impact on my mind.Though I am very romantic person by heart I am not that much expressive to reveal it properly.So most of the time I prefer to conceal those thoughts and feelings .They all remain hidden in the chambers of my heart.Thus all my feelings are safely locked in my heart and the key belongs to no one but me, and this very thought makes me realise that I am the ruler of my own world,where no one can enter without my permission!And since I am very restrictive about giving permission, a few persons get to know the treasures hidden in my heart.Yeah,I treat them like treasures and I am too reluctant to share them with anyone,may be because I am afraid of ridicule and ignorance in other people's eyes.

It may seem from outside that I am a strong person but I know the real 'me' who is as timid as a little rabbit ans as fragile as glass!I am compelled to wear that mask of strernness and harshness because I have experienced earlier, that when people get a vibe from you that you are delicate and fragile they dont hesitate to take advantage of your nature,they use you and leave you to struggle through suffering ,despair and hopelessness. I have no idea how much I have succeeded in leaving impression of my sternness on people's mind but I know I have not failed either,for I am sufferring less than I used to ,earlier.

When I see people hanging out with their girlfriends and boyfriends here and there I wonder whether I am so worthless that no one makes me his gf! I think I am solely responsible for this.
I always have had a number of admirers and some of them had even proposed me time to time but I had rejected them.If I had allowed any one of them,I would have been sitting in restaurants with them wandering around holding hands.But then I think am I so desperate to flaunt a bf that I will act as if I feel true love for him while in reality I have no such feeling for them! I could not do that....I am not such heartless creature!If you ask me I will say I have loved only one person genuinely in my entire life.I still love him and will continue loving him secretly and silently until my last breathe.

Dont know why I had started feeling such sensations for him.I was myself surprised since I discovered my hidden feelings for him.In fact I used to feel sort of annoyance and ignorance
for him.He was one of the handsome guys in our college and needless to mention that most of the time I found him surrounded by pretty and not so pretty girls who were like birds flying around grains of foods!And some of them who did not get the attention they were coveting for ,started spreading rumours about his character ,probably just to hide their frustration and jealousy.But I had nothing to do with these.When you are member of a certain community you get to know some sort of rumours often,regardless of how much you try to remain aloof.And being a classmate
such rumours sometimes hit my ears and left me wondering why on earth these people waste their time in making such useless stories! they were so innovative that if they had started writing stories ,I am sure they could have been successful writers!
But I had always felt he was staring at me...sometimes directly ,sometimes indirectly!
But I was too shy and probably too boastful to look at someone whom I thought worthless! I was quite aware of male gaze since I felt I have something to hide from men.And I had that uncanny ability just like other women to read what they mean to say through their gaze.Some eyes expressed admiration,while some of them expressed friendliness ,and some of them were flirtatious!I had no such problem with them,in fact I used to enjoy such attention while feeling bad for those who were devoid of it! I may sound harsh and boastful but I am speaking the truth .What I hate most is the hints of vulgarity in some of those eyes...and inspite of all the rumours all I came to know about him,he never gazed me with that sort of vibe which I hate most!
Infact I found respect for me,in his eyes.

I dont know what he thinks about myself for I have never exchanged any word with him.He was quite good looking and everyone will enjoy a handsome boy gazing at her! So did I,till I discovered I am deeply in love with him.I took transfer to another college when I attended the annual fest of my ex-college he was also present there!He was sitting in the row just infront of ours!I was not aware of it until I felt someone looking at me.I turned around and saw him.But he turned his head swiftly as if he will get caught! as time glided by I felt he was stealing glances at me.I felt this very amusing,and when the programme was goin to end I looked at him directly.He was still staring at me with the look that had mixed expression of admiration,surprise,joy and some sort of sorrow! But I think the element 'surprise' had outshined all other elements in his gaze.

May be these are all my imaginations but still I felt this at that time.I stared at him and he stared at me....a few seconds! There was something in his eyes I can not forget!,neither can I express properly as I am poor in expressing something aptly.But one thing I can say I was stuck by his glance,there was something pulling me towards him....like a magnet attracts an iron piece.I wonder what would have happened if he did not turn his head to find the cell which was ringing! Suddenly I came out of a trance ,something very unusual feelings,something having a delicate purity in it.I was touched! his glances penetrated my very soul and ejected drops of heavenly bliss called 'love' in my soul.I fell in love with him.I could not spend a moment without thinking of him.We never spoke but may be our souls did the very conversation on behalf of our mouths.I had lost my conscious self somewhere in a world of fantasy and dream.Only my physical existence was there while my mind was wandering through the alleys of my illusory world.I was burning with passion.I was doing everything I am supposed to do for the sake of surviving in this world but my true self was lost somewhere! I was looking at everything but I was not seeing them! as if they were some invisible and negligible objects not worthy of my glance.I had never felt this way before.I was overwhelmed ,immersed in his thoughts.I did not know what he was feeling for me but my feelings for him were uncontrollable!

A few days passed through this Topsy-turvy mental state .After some days I finally realised I have to live in reality not in dreams!So I pushed myself to come back to reality until I found that it is impossible.I started thinking what is the future of this mere,probably one-sided feelings!I can not name it a 'relationship' for I guess it requires at least a little bit of conversation which never took place between us.If you think silence between two persons can create a relationship then you may call this a ;relation',an unusual relation created through silent communication,a silent connection ,imperceptible yet so touching! That kind of touch is more superior than actual touch for in the later case you can feel it only through your skin but in my case I felt that through my heart ,through my entire soul.

I was thinking what will happen to us.....whether I can see him again....whether I can express my feelings...whether he will accept me....if he rejects or ridicules me....and all that!For a moment I regained my lost reality,but it was only for a moment and then I was again lost in my thoughts!

Days passed,months passed,years passed without any contact or communication.In that moment's ecstacy I had revealed all my feelings to some of my close friends.Now they began to feel proud for they had stated earlier that it is just an infatuation!.I can't blame them for there was no effort from my side to go further with this,there was no improvement of this situation.Whatever may be other people's opinion I knew it was not infatuation .If it was so then I would not have been feeling foe him the same intense love even after more than two years.

It may sound preposterous to think what kind of love story is it?In fact is it any love story?...But I think it is...at least for me.I love him and thats all I care.I dont give a damn to what people think or say....I dont think I should have the possession of the person whom I love! Love has no barrier , no condition.I dont love him with the condition that he has to be mine,only mine. In fact I have not seen him from years ,but he is still so bright in my memory as if I have seen him right now!.He is far far away from me but still I can feel him sitting just beside me.He resides in my heart,he is connected with my soul!Whenever I think of him my mind fills with a heavenly pleasure....so pure and so rupturous!!!!!!!