JUST A LETTER....

To someone very special....

" You know what...again the pain is back; that terrible pain, again the darkness is back,again the loneliness is back. Can you tell me where do I escape?Every moment I wish I were dead, but may be God too hates me ;otherwise he would have taken me with him. I can't move an inch! I'm stuck here...And I feel the strange fear which I can't express in words. I have never been that much good at expressing thoughts,desires,needs and feelings.I just can't find the right words at right moments; I mess up everything! And you know that.....

I miss you....miss you so much! I miss everything about you. I had never felt so happy,so special, so content in my whole life. You made me feel that. You loved me, loved my faults, loved my imperfections.I felt so safe with you; holding your warm hands I glided through the unforeseen darkness and I succeeded.For the first time in my life I was totally and completely out of control. I was crazy, I was insane! If anyone can match my wildness, it's you! You are always in my heart, you are always on my mind- consciously or subconsciously! You were my shadow and I was yours. Months passed since we started knowing each other, but I couldn't get enough of you! You were, you are and you will always be special! You took my hand,held me tight and brought me out of the hell. It's because of you I survived!

But I think , I am going to hell again. And this time no one can save me.Angels come once to save you; if you are that much lucky....and I got mine already , so this time I have to suffer alone and fight through all this. You know...I have recently developed this phobia, when the sun sets I feel a strange fear,I keep thinking that the horrible darkness is coming to engulf me...I feel so alone! and it's true, I have no one!

What do you have in you? why can't I stop thinking about you? Why can't I get rid of all those memories?...I'm trying my level best to move on but it seems impossible.One step I take forward and the next moment I am four steps backward! I have engraved you on my soul, on my heart and does not matter how much I try to erase every single trace of you, I know...I can't! I am craving for your lips...soft, warm, heavenly; I am craving for your shoulders to rest my head on it. I wanna hug you tight...more tight until I can listen and feel your heartbeat , and then kiss on your left chest, where your heart pounds!

I can write thousand times in thousand different ways..."I love you..." but couldn't say it even once. I talk to you every second but when you are actually in front of me I become numb! I hug you, I feel you in my thoughts but when you are just beside me I can't even gather the courage to hold your hands! So weird I am! May be that's why you left me. But I don't mind. I am addicted to you, can't ever get rid of you or rather I don't want to!

When I go to bed I take you with me every night. I talk to you, I laugh with you, I cry with you. I can actually feel you here, with me, just beside me! I turn off the lights, raise the curtains...and the silvery moonbeam floods my bed! I lay there with you beside me. I hold my pillow close to my chest; kiss it softly and caress it gently, thinking it's you! I can actually see and feel your eyes getting closed gently when I keep on caressing your head, moving my fingers slowly through your silky, black hair.I can imagine the blissful smile on your face. Then you softly bring me on your chest , hold my head between your hands and blow me away with your heavenly kisses! You hold me as tightly as you can , you crush me into your arms , I lay there devoid of consciousness and at that very moment I cease to exist!

Every night you are here with me...even if you are not! I know I am just a hopeless dreamer and the reality has always tormented me.My heart is defenseless and gets hurt often ! Still I can't stop dreaming . It's my only way to escape from the harshness of reality.May be somewhere deep down we both knew we can't belong to each other , does not matter how much attached to each other we may be! Such is life...such is reality. It sucks big time!

No matter where I am or will be, no matter what I am doing or will be and no matter with whom I am or will be ....you will always be special, you will always be my angel and I will always love you...always, till my last breath and even after that! You once told me, "From now on you are my life.." I was ecstatic, I was flooded with unknown emotions; I couldn't say a single thing except a little stupid smiley that I had typed! I wanted to say so many things but I couldn't. I whispered to myself " My life begins with you and ends with you !" But see now...you are not with me, you are far far away but still I'm living! I have to , I can't end my life. I have to go on acting as if I'm so happy; I have to wear this fake smile everyday; I have to perform my duties; I have to sleep, drink, eat! I have to live so I need to move on! I was, I am and I will always be yours , the whole of me. And I don't think I can ever love anyone with that equal intensity with which I love you. No one ever, ever, ever can replace you.You are and you will always be safe inside my heart...

Miss you dear....love you forever.....!!! "